I realized this many, many times before, but only now decided to really do a post like this. Why? I have no idea, but I think the one constant thought is, maybe putting this down in a post would help clear out some cobwebs.
Change is a way of life. As far as I'm concerned, it's right up there with death and taxes. It's inevitable. Right now there's a fair amount of change happening in my life and I'm welcoming it, although there is the stubborn side of me that is slightly concerned with the adjustments that will bring.
This year I "celebrated" the 10th year of working at the magazine. More than a few people that find out how long I've been working at the same place usually are amazed. Some think I'm crazy for staying at the same job for as long as I have, which sometimes allows me to play up how tired I can be doing the same things over and over, month in, month out. For a lot of those years, that job was what I thew myself into when all of the other things in life weren't certainties anymore. As insane as it can be working there at deadline, I found sanity in knowing I was accomplishing something, a little bit at a time, piece by piece. With each page I could cross off as being postscripted and uploaded to the printer, I was one page closer to having the next month's issue finished. Each time I approved pages to be printed, I was closing the book on the latest issue and usually walking out of the office with a feeling that I accomplished something, with the help of everyone involved.
Right now I'm getting that feeling about my normal life.
For the last 6 years I've lived in the same building. Admittedly, I've lived in three different apartments in that same building, but I've still lived in the same place for 6 years. This year, though, I've decided to move on and see what else is out there for me.
It's not that I won't miss aspects of the life that I've lived in the building on Front Street that I've called home for so long now. It's not that I dislike the building or the area. It's just time to start figuring out who the heck this bald graphic designer geek is now that he's 30 going on 31 (I just got used to saying I'm 30!). I've started trying to look at a few places, keeping my eye open for the next place to call home. It's exciting because it's the first time in a few years I'll be living alone again. With Anne's help, I've been checking out furniture stores and getting ideas of what I could do with a new home. The nice thing is, not only am I excited for this change, but she is excited with me.
Something I'll be more than a little interested in seeing is if my creativity will grow once I'm out on my own again. Sure, I've kicked around ideas with friends over story things that would be fun to work on (some of which got pushed to the wayside and didn't deserve to be left there for so long... trust me, there are two guys out there who know exactly what I mean), but every day there's this kind of hole that feels like I'm missing out on something. Tonight sitting at my computer and going over some of the notes I have for my own story ideas I remembered what was missing.
Being creative because I want to be creative. For me and not for anyone else.
Over 10 years at the magazine I've had to go by what others told me they wanted to see out of my work, because I was creating things for them, not myself. After a while it gets hard to not think of something you're working on as yours when you've been trying to create things to make others happy. I'm not sure if that's a cardinal sin in the creative community, but for me it feels like it should be one. Using work as my motivation to make sense when everything around me changed and moved on made it easy for me to fall into the trap of not expressing myself because what others thought mattered more than what I wanted.
I'm not trying to complain. What I'm really doing is just coming clean and being honest with myself and allowing anyone who takes the time to check out new updates on my blog to see that I'm trying to be more accountable for what I want in life finally. I want to accomplish something that I'm proud of. It doesn't have to be for public consumption, but if people do appreciate it, then even better.
The hardest part about this goal is that I am probably the most scattershot I've ever been in a long time. That annoys me beyond belief. It's frustrating when Anne sat down with me not long ago and asked what I want to do with the rest of my life and I couldn't come up with anything at all as a goal. Maybe my goal should be to find that goal? I like a lot of things. I'm stronger at some things and I'm learning others as I go or as I can.
But what sorts of things am I talking about? I'm talking about films, tv, stories, comic books, graphic design, drawing, animation, music... These have always been things that I can come back to, time after time, and enjoy wholeheartedly. I might actually post some blogs about a few of these things individually to help give a better reason why I am passionate about these things. That's not a bad idea, come to think of it. I'm glad I thought of it!
For now, I've got to wake up in time to head to the office once again so I meet my deadline on yet another issue of the Community Review. But it is something that kept me up enough that I wanted to post something and get it out of my head and down on the blank "page", these passions and the changes that are making me rethink things. As cliché as this is going to sound, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. I actually used that on a movie promo I did back in art school. Now, over 10 years later I understand their meaning more than ever. I'm looking forward to that first step because I truly feel like I am moving in the right direction, even if I can only accomplish baby steps at the moment.
5 comments:
Rock on bro! I know what you mean about doing something creative for you. (and I was just thinking about your movie promo the other day)
Some days I really miss those weekend when we'd hang out at your place and draw all weekend long. Eat some pizza, then go back to drawing and reading X-Men, and what ever other comics you were exploring.
Know that you'll always have a fan in me. Your art and story ideas have always been inspiring to me, as well as challenging me to do better.
Can't wait to see or hear about what you come up with next.
Thanks, man!
Seriously, I realized how unfocused I've been since leaving art school. The sad thing is, it's only gotten worse because real life keeps stepping in and making it more difficult to feel I can let myself take "me time" to explore ideas and be creative.
I'm not going to let that stop me, but it has slowed me down immensely over the last decade. Plus with my living situation changing, it's beyond exciting to see what can happen next.
There's been many, many weekends where I think back to how inspired I was back in the 90s when you and I would sit back and watch movies, read comics, draw, and come up with our own characters and think up crossovers. Those days were the best! I wish I could bottle up even half of the energy I had and the passion I had for comics to remind myself of why those days mattered a lot to me. Seriously, those were the days.
By the way, just so you know, when I get my new place, you'll always be welcome! Even though I know I'm a horrible friend by not being able to make a trip out to see you yet.
I hear you. Those days will always be remembered fondly.
Don't worry about making it out here. No worries. It'll happen someday...maybe. Perhaps it'll be across the pond instead of to the mid-west. We can go scope out Robin Hood stuff.
I hear you about not having time. Perhaps we should go on a vacation together and just draw, write, and watch movies whilst scarfing pizza to get the creativity going!
That would be awesome! Seriously, you have no idea how much I'd love to do something like that and just let the creativity go wild for a few days. Might not be a bad thing to keep in the back of our minds...
I'm also pumped to check out England with you and with Anne when that time comes. Between the Robin Hood stuff and the Doctor Who stuff, I'll be on fanboy overload!
Alright. We'll plan for it...someday.
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